


Bridge Over Troubled Water

by fondueyourself



Series: If We Don't Destroy Ourselves [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky is gay, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Homophobia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Resolved Sexual Tension, Steve has no idea what his sexuality is, fast build (look at the series)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-05-25 08:23:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6187276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fondueyourself/pseuds/fondueyourself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has been living with Steve for two months. During that time, the sexual tension from the last time they shared living space, 70 years ago, has resurfaced. Steve turned, as he had before, to drawing to relieve that tension. Everything was going smoothly, and Bucky was recovering and coping with PTSD, and then Bucky found Steve's stash of pornographic drawings - of Bucky. This is what happens next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Now with Kissing

**Author's Note:**

> If you're confused or think that this started up too fast, read the previous work in this series "Who the Hell is Bucky" to clear things up. I promise it will be worth it.

Bucky was writing in his journal again. Steve was glad he’d found an outlet; it seemed to be helping him. It had been two months ago that Steve had recognized the Winter Soldier as his friend. Now they were living together like old times, and Bucky had made miles of progress. His “therapy” with Natasha was a great help, and it gave him someone to talk to besides Steve. Moving to Avengers Tower had helped with that too. And through it all, Bucky wrote. Every day, any spare moment they had, after any meaningful conversation, he’d pull out his notebook and write about it. Steve always wondered what he wrote, but he felt weird watching him, and he didn’t want to invade his friend’s privacy.

Bucky sat on the brown leather couch in the living room, writing slowly and thoughtfully, while Steve sat across the room on the sofa. He wasn't actually watching Bucky. The TV was on too. Steve tuned in and out of the news, only half paying attention, lost in thought about Bucky’s progress. Bucky closed the notebook and looked up like he wanted to say something.

“Back in uh, before the war, were we-- did we ever--” He stopped and thought, apparently choosing his words carefully. “Were we ever a couple? Like was I your uhm, boyfriend? I know it was illegal and pretty ugly if people were caught, but did we ever do anything?”

Steve muted the TV. What the hell had Steve done to make him think that? He had been so careful! What if he’d accidentally manipulated Bucky into remembering things wrong? What did Bucky expect him to say? He couldn’t say yes… As much as he wished it were true, they’d never crossed that line. Maybe they had been a little more intimate than most pals, but they were never romantic. Steve wouldn’t lie to him. Besides, what would Bucky say? He might not want that; he’s probably just curious.

“No, Buck. We were just good friends.” Steve said it slowly, trying not to let his feelings show through the words. “Why do you ask?”

Now Bucky looked guilty. He looked at his notebook, not wanting to make eye contact. “I saw your drawings. Not just the ones you showed me, the other ones. I was going to do laundry, and there was a sock under your bed. The sketchbook was open; I didn’t mean to snoop, I swear. It was just there.”

Steve leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. He cursed himself for not hiding them better. He should have at least closed the sketchbook, but he’d been looking at it before- Well anyway, it was too late to deny it now. He hung his head, unable to look at his friend, but unable to deny it. “Bucky, I’m sorry. I di-”

Bucky cut him off, “They’re really good drawings, Steve.”

“What?” Steve looked up. The drawings under his bed were almost all Bucky in varying states of undress, and some were borderline pornographic. Most of them he’d drawn not long after he thawed out. He didn’t want to forget Bucky, no matter how much time had passed. But some were recent. He’d started off with just Bucky’s face, but before he could stop himself they became much more. If Bucky liked the drawings, especially the ones with Steve in them… 

Steve felt dirty. He almost regretted drawing them. Almost.

“I like ‘em, really. I mean, they’re mostly-, I mean I get why you hid them, but they’re really good. I can’t believe you could draw that from memory. But, well, I guess it’s not all from memory, huh?” Bucky quirked a smile at him, his cheeks turning pink.

Steve was baffled. Was Bucky trying to flirt? “You’re not upset?”

“Upset? No.” Bucky raised his eyebrows, then looked down, thinking. “I don’t know how we were before. I guess we never talked about it. And I wasn’t as good an artist,” Bucky laughed, “I think I uh, I think I had the hots for you back then, too.” He looked up at Steve through his eyelashes, still smiling.

Steve was stunned into silence for a moment. “Back then? So you don’t…” Steve left it hanging, too shocked to hope.

“No, dummy, I still do!” Bucky stood up and crossed the room to sit next to Steve on the sofa. “Do you wanna go out with me, Steve?”

Steve grinned. “Of course I’ll go out with you. Jeez.” Steve shook his head, still grinning. “You see some dirty drawings and you want to take me on a date? You must be losing it, Buck.” 

“Shut up.” Bucky pulled Steve into a hug. Steve held him close. Steve wanted nothing more than to kiss him in that moment, but as they broke the hug, Bucky said “I can’t believe you drew those. You are aware that I am not that attractive, right?” Bucky pulled back, eyebrow cocked in a flirtatious look that Steve hadn’t seen in ages, and never directed at him.

“Have you _ever_ looked in a mirror?” Steve countered, letting him go.

“Says the guy who looks like a freakin’ god! And before I left for the army, you know how many girls I had to lie to to cover up my crush on you? Even as a twig you were damn beautiful, Stevie.”

Steve couldn’t remember the last time he felt himself blush. “You took girls on dates because you couldn’t date me?” Steve asked skeptically.

Bucky hesitated. “You want the truth? I never liked any of them half as much as you. I kept worrying you’d find out and you’d hate me or somethin’. They were pretty and all, but I couldn’t kiss ‘em without thinking about you. So I saw your drawings, and you know, I’d been thinking about it, but I suddenly remembered all of it. That’s why I had to know if we’d ever got together.”

Steve stared at him. “I could never hate you, Buck.” He breathed. He couldn’t believe it. How could they have been friends, and even lived together, for so many years without ever knowing what the other felt? This seemed like a dream, only he wasn’t waking up. After a quiet moment passed, “Where do you want to go?”

Bucky leaned on the back of the couch behind him. “For a date? I have no idea. Jarvis?” He called skeptically to the ceiling.

“Good evening Mister Barnes. How can I be of service?” The smooth English and strangely not robotic voice replied.

Bucky raised his eyebrows at Steve and asked, “What’s a good restaurant for me and Steve to have a quiet dinner?”

“I would recommend Heidi’s House for an intimate meal, or The Heath if you’d prefer a more charming experience. Alternatively, there are a number of surprisingly high quality options for ordering in, if you’d like to avoid drawing attention.” Jarvis suggested.

“Actually, ordering in sounds nice.” Steve answered. 

They found a place that delivered and ate at their table for a change. Steve couldn’t help but look at Bucky differently. He had spent so much time forcing himself not to think about the man that now he felt free to let his mind wander into the previously forbidden areas. Bucky’s eyes were incredibly expressive, and his lips would curl slightly even when he was trying not to smile. As they ate and talked about memories and changes in public mindset, Steve’s hand drifted toward the center of the table.

Steve’s mind wandered this way until, after a pause in their conversation, Bucky said thoughtfully, “You know, this isn’t much different from what we do all the time.”

“You think so? Was there something different you had in mind?” Steve prompted.

Bucky finally touched Steve’s offered hand, “This is nice.” He stood up and took a step toward Steve. “But I was thinking there might be a little more…” He braced himself with his metal hand on the table and the other gently holding Steve’s chin up as he leaned down. Steve’s heart raced, and he only just stopped himself from pulling Bucky down on top of him. “...kissing.” Bucky breathed, warm and sweet from their food. Steve inhaled and brought their lips together. Bucky’s mouth closed on his, and all the years of separation and loss between them vanished. Steve reached a hand up and mirrored Bucky’s movement, his right hand on Bucky’s face until Bucky let go. 

Steve looked in his eyes, and for the first time there was no sadness, no pain or confusion, only pride, longing, and something that had always been there, that Steve just recognized: love. He wanted to stand up, kiss him again, say something, but Bucky still stood over him. “You were right. Kissing is definitely a good addition.” Steve remarked with a smirk.

Bucky laughed and kissed him again, soft and quick, before stepping back and clearing their dishes. Steve stood and followed him to the kitchen, unsure of their next step. There was so much he wanted to do, but he wanted them to take their time. If they rushed, they might regret it. And as much as Steve had been able to gather online, his lack of experience still overwhelmed him. He was well aware of Bucky’s previous experiences, but he didn’t know what Bucky remembered. If he didn’t remember at all, did that make him a virgin? Did it even matter? Steve was almost positive that Bucky had never been with a guy before, so there they were even.

Bucky pulled him out of his thoughts when he turned away from the sink. Steve moved forward this time, pressing himself to Bucky as their lips met again. Steve licked into Bucky’s mouth, and Bucky met him with enthusiasm. Steve was surprised at how fast this was going. Just that morning, they had been strictly platonic, but one conversation had them wrapped around each other. Steve told himself to slow down, and Bucky pulled away.  
“Steve,” he breathed, “do you think, could we hold off a little?” He said remorsefully.

Steve unglued himself from Bucky’s chest and stepped back slightly, his hands still resting on Bucky’s waist. Just as he had thought, it was too fast. “Sure, Buck. You wanna watch a movie?” He suggested. He ached for more, now that Bucky had started this, but he supposed cuddling on the couch with Bucky would be just as novel and sweet.

Bucky smiled, “Yeah, but not another Disney movie. How about those action ones Clint was talking about? James Bond?” Steve agreed, and they snuggled up together on the couch to watch Dr No. As Steve traced circles on Bucky’s right arm, he considered how this would change their relationship. Like Bucky said, it was pretty much the same, only now with kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heidi's House and The Heath are real restaurants in New York City. I spent way to much time on Yelp for that line.


	2. Just Like It Was Back Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some rumors about Clint and Phil's relationship force the Avengers into throwing a "coming out party," and Steve and Bucky have to decide which side of the spotlight they want to be in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter draws heavily on the events in "In Our Own Time" chapter 12. If you're not reading the whole series, don't worry about it, just know that Clint/Phil is heavily acknowledged and talked about (though not actually shown) here.

Steve moved his legs together on the couch so Bucky could straddle him. Bucky’s tongue lavished Steve’s own between their parted lips. Steve pulled back for a fraction of a second before latching onto Bucky’s lower lip. The man hummed a moan and shifted his hips forward so they were pressed hard against each other, their pajama pants still between them. Steve released Bucky from the kiss and looked down between them. Bucky slept without a shirt, so Steve got an eyeful of Bucky’s toned chest, abs, and the trail of hair leading to-

“Begging your pardon, gentlemen.” Jarvis’s voice filled the room, breaking their attention away from each other. “Mister Stark and the other Avengers are asking that you join them on the common floor for breakfast and an urgent meeting regarding some news.”

Bucky’s hips stopped and he rested his forehead on Steve’s own, looking into his eyes with a smirk. Steve pressed a close-mouthed kiss to Bucky’s lips and then lifted him by his hips so he could get up. “We’ll be there.” Steve told Jarvis.

“You don’t have to pick me up, you know.” Bucky grumbled, his feet on the floor once more.

“It’s funny, how many times do you think I told you that when I was smaller?” Steve went to his bedroom to get dressed. 

Bucky called, mock annoyed, from his own bedroom, “That doesn’t count, I don’t remember it.”

Steve laughed. “I don’t think that’s how it works, Buck.” He pulled on a plain blue Tshirt and grey pants before joining a now dressed Bucky in the living room. 

“No?” Bucky held Steve’s hips and pulled them together, keeping their lips apart. “How does it work then?” He breathed. Steve smiled despite himself. He was fighting his slowly flagging erection, and Bucky was teasing him. 

“Like this.” Steve laughed as he stepped away and opened the door. By the time they met everyone in the kitchen, he had himself under control.

Clint and Phil had evidently come to the tower the second they were out of bed. Clint still wore sweatpants, and this was the first time Steve had seen Phil in a Tshirt. A news broadcast was paused on the TV on the far wall. 

“We’ve got a bit of a situation.” Phil sighed to them as they walked in. Tony played the video, which showed an interview of an Avengers fan who had taken a photo of Clint and Phil holding hands and looking very much like a couple as they walked down the street. The news had people speculating on whether or not they were gay. The broadcaster said that people were calling the Avengers a disgrace because Hawkeye may or may not be gay.

Steve listened absently to the discussion of what they should do about the rumors. What if that happened to Bucky and him? Tony suggested they get ahead of the bad press and throw a “coming out party.” Tony would invite just about every famous person in New York, along with all of the Avengers’ friends who could possibly attend. Steve didn’t say a word. He felt sick. What was this? He thought it wasn’t a problem anymore, that gay people could be open and accepted. It was certainly better than in the 1940s when people could be jailed, ripped of their reputations, shamed, and worse for what they called sodomy. They were talking about this as though it was a crisis, though. The Avengers were being shamed, and they were going to throw a party to stop it? 

He noticed that Bucky, standing on his right, hadn’t said anything either. As the group disbanded, having decided their parts in setting up the party for that night, Bucky whispered, just so Steve would hear. “We should tell them.”

“You want to be thrown into this? They’re calling us “the Gay’vengers” Buck, we don’t want to make it worse.” Steve said sadly. He couldn’t care less if his friends knew about their budding relationship, but it had only been a few days. He didn’t want to be the focus of a party for the issue. “If people are upset about Hawkeye being queer, imagine what they would say about “Captain America and Bucky Barnes, war heroes turned superheroes” if they knew? It may not be a crime, but we can’t risk tarnishing the Avengers’ name. We need people’s support, or they won’t see us as saving people.”

“If they’re already coming out, we should too. Otherwise we’ll end up doing this whole thing over again later.” Bucky crossed his arms. “We should at least tell Clint and Phil.”

“Tell Clint and Phil what?” Phil stood a few feet behind Bucky looking quizzical. Clint turned around in the kitchen to listen. They were the only ones left on the floor. 

Bucky looked to Steve to answer, leaving it up to him. Steve smiled nervously. He had to tell them now, or lie. “Well, uh. Bucky and I are … gay. Together.” He was blushing. He wanted to laugh at himself; this was worse than the time he told Natasha he was a virgin. He and Bucky hadn’t even gone there yet. Nearly. They could have that morning, had this not come up. And that was exactly the wrong train of thought for that moment.

“It’s pretty recent.” Bucky filled Steve’s awkward pause. “We don’t want it to be a big deal, but you ought to know, cause well, we’re apparently throwing you a party about it.” Bucky raised an eyebrow, just as confused as Steve was about the ordeal.

Clint sat down at the kitchen table, so the others followed suit. Clint was smiling at Bucky, and Steve had to wonder if they’d already talked about this before. “That’s great, guys. We’re happy for you.”

“Thanks.” Steve accepted the sentiment awkwardly. 

“So, you don’t want to come out?” Clint asked them. Steve thought he heard a hint of resentment in Clint’s tone, but he looked pleasant enough, so Steve could have imagined it.

“Well…” Bucky started, about to contradict the sentiment when Steve stepped in.

“We don’t want to steal your spotlight, so to speak. Especially with the negative press the Avengers are already getting. And we’ve only just, well, we’re pretty new to this.” Steve admitted. “I thought this sort of thing wasn’t a problem anymore. It’s legal, people are getting married, I thought we wouldn’t have to worry about this.”

Phil sighed. “Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean everyone agrees with it. A lot of people think it should be illegal or at least morally condemned. We don’t have to worry about prosecution anymore, but there are still plenty of bigots.” Phil looked sour for a moment, before looking up at them. “But you two should be happy. Enjoy what you’ve got. We’ll take the brunt of this. If you want to keep it to yourselves for a while, we won’t say anything.”

“But if you’re going to hide it, be more careful than us?” Clint added. 

Bucky’s hand found Steve’s under the table. “So it is just like it was back then? People still hide?” Bucky asked.

“You don’t have to hide. It’s not considered wrong by most people. But those who do think ill of us can be dangerous. They can’t send you to jail, but with the wrong people, life can be made pretty unpleasant. It’s your choice.” Phil said.

Clint looked down at his coffee mug. “It’ll be harder on us than it is for most people because we’re in the spotlight. The party is so people who do think it’s normal and fine can show their support. Hopefully it will be enough that the assholes will keep their mouths shut.” 

“And if they don’t, what happens?” Steve asked tensely. 

“Then we deal with media backlash, take it one day at a time, and hope it dies down quickly without hurting the Avengers’ reputation too much.” Phil responded. “Don’t worry about it. Come out or don’t, it’s up to you. We’ll handle it either way.”

They paused as Steve and Bucky mulled it over. They could come out now and be done with it, but what if something didn’t work out. Steve loved Bucky as his friend for his whole life, but this was new territory for him. If they made their relationship public, there was finality in that. He wanted to keep it just between them while it was new. Bucky seemed okay with people knowing, but attracting more national attention to himself was probably not the best idea, despite their current safety. And Bucky hadn’t felt the spotlight before. As Captain America, Steve knew what it felt like to be watched and evaluated with every step. Putting the new aspect of their relationship under that pressure could squash it before they have a chance.

Steve turned to Bucky. “I think we should wait. Not forever, just until this dies down. Maybe if the reaction is positive, we’ll do it sooner than later, but we should wait.”

“Steve Rogers, backing down from a fight?” Bucky said, half teasing, half disappointed.

“It’s not a fight yet. Hopefully it won’t have to be.” Steve said defensively.

Bucky locked eyes with him for a moment before responding. “I’m with you, Steve. Til the end of the line. If you want to wait, we’ll wait.”

**

Steve felt like he was back on the tour for war bonds. At least here he was sharing the attention with the other Avengers. He had done press conferences with them, but there they had scripts and notecards. Steve and Bucky rarely left each other’s side the whole party. Bucky seemed to have more confidence than he had in weeks, almost like he used to be. They also had the advantage of not knowing who the celebrities were, so when they were approached, others seemed more star-struck than they were. Steve was modest as ever, allowing Bucky to agree when they were complimented and praised, while he offered a mild thank you.

Then somebody asked him about Clint. Bucky had gone to get drinks, so Steve had to face the blonde, short haired woman in a trim grey suit alone. 

“What do you think about them? It must be strange, having grown up with such different values in the 40s?” She asked him.

“Strange, yeah. But my values weren’t so different.” Steve smiled nervously. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being qu- uh gay.” He wasn’t sure on the acceptable terms. Someone had told him that ‘homo’ or ‘homosexual’ were weird or prudish, but ‘queer’ was offensive to some and preferred by others. “It is strange to see so many other people with the same feeling, but it’s good.” He thought that was a good answer, but wasn’t sure what to say about Clint and Phil. “Clint and Phil are great together. I hope people see that more than the surprise of seeing a gay Avenger.”

“Wow, who knew Captain America was a progressive? Really that’s great though. I think you’re right about the way people will see it. That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? Let people see it as a good thing.” She nodded, then shifted her gaze as Bucky came to hand Steve a drink. “You must be Bucky Barnes.” Steve was sure that the woman didn’t mean anything by it, but she tensed and looked nervous.

“Ha, yes. Good to meet someone who knows me by name. I’m afraid I don’t know yours, though; I’m new to this century.” Bucky held out his hand for her to shake.

“Oh, you’re a charmer! My name’s Ellen.” She laughed and seemed to loosen up as they talked. 

Soon after, Tony introduced the guests of honor, who each thanked everyone and made a short speech. At the end, Clint jokingly asked if anyone else wanted to come out as gay to a room full of strangers, and Phil caught Steve’s eye. Steve’s stomach dropped. Clint was giving them half a chance to change their mind, stand up, and get it out now. Steve considered it, but the moment had passed. Clint and Phil were rejoining the party, and the dance floor was opening up. 

Steve and Bucky sat at a table to the side, content to watch the others, but before the night wound down, Bucky asked Steve to dance.

“It’s a fast song, everyone knows we’re best friends, no one will care.” Bucky said, his hand outstretched. He was probably right, by now everyone was tipsy and having fun, they probably wouldn’t even be noticed. Steve took his hand and allowed Bucky to lead him to the dance floor. 

They only got a few steps in, though, when the song changed, turning the mood down for a couples’ dance. Steve flushed, wishing to sit back down, but Bucky pretended he didn’t notice. He took Steve’s hand and hip and started to sway. “You always promised you’d teach me how to dance slow.” Steve said softly, just loud enough to hear over the music. He remembered Peggy with a flash of sadness. He wondered if it ever would have worked out with them, or if he would have been too hung up on Bucky.

“Sorry I never got around to it. I guess I was afraid I’d show I liked it too much. Just step with the beat and watch my toes. You’re doing fine.” Bucky smiled. “You look fantastic, by the way.” Bucky had already complimented his grey suit and blue tie before the party, but this seemed more intimate, pushing Steve’s sad memories back for a while.

“You too.” Steve returned. Then he felt bold. “It’s a shame I’ll ruin your hair when we leave here.”

Bucky’s smile dropped. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Could be.” The boldness left him. He wanted to take Bucky to bed, but they still hadn’t talked about that, and he knew they wouldn’t be doing much talking after the party either way. “Do you want to?”

Bucky never lost his smile while he thought. “It’s late. Let’s save it for the morning. I bet your ass shines in the sun.” He laughed. 

Steve wanted to eat his laugh, swallow it’s music as he kissed the grin from Bucky’s face. He forced himself to step back slightly, putting a few extra inches between them. “Don’t tempt me. We’re supposed to look like pals, remember?” He smiled nervously. His heart raced as he watched Bucky’s pupils dilate.

“Steve.” Bucky breathed, his smile gone. “Let’s go upstairs. I want to kiss you breathless.” 

The song ended. They stepped away from each other and walked back to the table with a foot that felt like a mile between them. The moment had passed, but Steve’s heart still pounded, his breathing too heavy. “Wait a minute, then go upstairs. I’ll meet you in your bed in ten minutes.” Steve muttered without looking at Bucky.

“I’ll be waiting.” Bucky replied, and did as Steve said. Steve tried to look casual and tired as he counted the passing seconds. Before he left, he found Clint and Phil to say good night. They were both tipsy enough to hug him, and Phil kissed his cheek before letting him go. Steve had to force himself not to run to the elevator. When he finally reached Bucky’s bed as promised, Bucky was sprawled out in his underwear, snoring softly. Steve sighed and kissed his forehead before crashing in his own bed.


	3. How long?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up pleasantly to unpleasant things.

Steve opened his eyes early enough to see the purple sunrise glow give way to blue as sunlight peeked through his window shade. He was about to roll out of bed when his door opened to let a sleepy man with bed-ruffled curls slink into the room and crawl under his covers. 

“Mornin’ sleepy head.” Steve mumbled as Bucky’s head hit his pillow. Bucky blinked at him. 

“I fell asleep.” Bucky said.

“You did.” Steve kissed his forehead.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m sure you’ll make it up to me.”

The corners of Bucky’s lips raised, and Steve couldn’t stop himself from kissing him. They moved lazily against each other, in sleepy caresses of lips and tongue. Steve threaded a hand through Bucky’s curls. He was surprised then, when Bucky pressed himself, lips, chest, groin, and legs rigid against Steve and pushed himself up over him. Steve was not nearly as hard, and he realized Bucky had been hard before coming in here. Bucky held himself mid-pushup against Steve’s chest until Steve’s hand found his ass and pulled him down. Steve bucked up in the same moment, showing him how quick he was to catch up. Steve lost his breath in their kiss and had to break it. Bucky took the invitation to grind into him, drawing a low whine from Steve. 

“Do you,” Bucky panted. “Do you know how long I’ve loved you, Steve? Because I just remembered.”

“When? How long?” Steve was beginning to feel discomfort in the rubbing of fabric from his underwear to Bucky’s sweatpants. He propped himself on his elbows and kissed Bucky before he could answer. 

Bucky stopped. “It was before we enlisted. It’s what made me enlist.” He threw the sheets off and sat up. “You were going on about how you wished you could do more and that you wanted us to enlist together. I think we both knew you weren’t going to make it in. But it sort of just hit me then, that I would follow you to war, that I loved you that much, that you had been more than just my best friend for a long time. And I realized why I never really liked any of the girls I was with. Because they weren’t you.” Steve stared at him and understood what he hadn’t been able to understand for over 70 years. “I had to enlist, even though I knew you wouldn’t be with me. _Because_ I knew you wouldn’t be with me. Because if you knew how I felt, I’d lose you.”

“You didn’t lose me.” Steve whispered. “You could never lose me.” But Steve understood why Bucky had left the way he did, and why Steve had felt like a part of him had left to fight without him. He brought his hand up to Bucky’s nape and pressed their foreheads together. “I love you Bucky. I’m with you til the end of the line.” The phrase had become a feeling in its own right. It kept them together. Steve kissed him softly, and Bucky dragged him closer. 

When the broke apart at last, Bucky breathed “I'll be right back,” and ran out of the room. Steve heard a drawer open and close again before Bucky returned. He dropped a small foil packet and a two ounce plastic bottle on the bed and pulled his sweatpants down in one fluid movement. Steve swallowed. Bucky had more hair than Steve remembered, though he’d only gotten glimpses before, when they were changing together at home and in the army. The trail of wispy dark curls widened and ended between his legs around his erection. Steve realized he was staring and looked instead at what Bucky had gone to get. A condom and lubricant. Modern attitudes and technical advancements had taken them away from questionable rubbers sold in back alleys and petroleum jelly to this. And now he could actually use them.

Steve knelt on the edge of the bed and pulled Bucky into him. Bucky sucked his lower lip and Steve felt his hand, -the metal one- he was vaguely aware, slide down to grab his ass. He wondered how much Bucky could feel with the artificial nerves. He wondered how it would feel to have those fingers flexing inside him. Steve moaned around the kiss. He guided Bucky to his left down onto the bed. He kissed Bucky’s neck and collarbone down to the hair on his navel and back up again. He watched his friend’s face as his fingers found the scar tissue around his shoulder. Bucky’s eyes searched him for a reaction, so Steve decided to give him one. He leaned down and kissed the skin more tenderly than he had kissed the rest of him. He doubted that anyone had ever touched this skin with anything other than malice or, at best, the brutal care of a superior officer making sure he could still fight. He licked the skin lightly, as if testing it. He knew it was just an old scar, but it looked painful. Above him, Bucky inhaled deeply and sighed. 

“I don’t feel it much. It’s a deep scar… But watching you, Steve, even if it hurt, you could do anything to me.” He said earnestly.

“I won’t hurt you.” Steve kissed his lips again, and Bucky brought his left hand up to Steve’s cheek. The metal was slightly cold on his skin, but there was a living warmth below the surface, he realized. He kissed the fingers. “Do you feel this?”

“Yes.” Bucky smiled as though Steve should have known that. “It’s like when your hands are so cold they’re numb, halfway to frostbite. You can still feel a little bit, but it’s just pressure. No pain. No hot or cold.”

“Do you feel wet and dry?” Steve asked mischievously.

“Sometimes, it de-” Steve sucked the first knuckle of his index finger into his mouth. “-pends. I feel that. I definitely feel _that._ ” He said as Steve swirled his tongue around the joint. Steve released him and returned to his lips. Bucky hummed in his mouth.

Steve shifted and held himself over Bucky, marveling that he was allowed to do this now. That if Bucky had always loved him, he could have been doing this back in the forties. He dropped back slowly and straddled Bucky’s hips so Bucky’s exposed dick, hard against his abdomen, was lined with Steve’s own still clothed erection. He rocked his hips gently, teasing so Bucky would have to respond in order to get anywhere. And he did. Bucky sat up and pulled Steve against him with a hand sliding down his back and into his underwear. 

“Can I?” Bucky breathed as his warm flesh fingers inched towards Steve’s crack.

“Please.” Steve grinned before planting a sloppy kiss on his lips. His tongue slid in Bucky’s mouth as Bucky’s fingertip slid over his asshole. Steve realized in that moment how far Bucky was from the Winter Soldier, with such sweetness in his words and his touch like Steve had once wondered if he even had anymore. He rocked between the sensations of Bucky’s cock and fingers. Bucky teased him a minute more before leaning back some. 

“Steve, I’ve got to be honest, this is incredibly hot, but what are we working towards? Are you gonna-? Can I-? I want to see you. Touch you. Suck you. Can I suck you off?”

“You can do anything you want. I swear Bucky, I could come just like this.” Steve rubbed against Bucky again for emphasis. 

“Your briefs are not as soft as they look.” Bucky laughed, rising to his knees. Steve pulled off the clothing in question. Bucky made a low sound in the back of his throat. Steve felt himself blush under Bucky’s gaze. “Steve…” Bucky took him in his right hand and pulled him slowly up and down. Steve pressed kisses to Bucky’s neck and shoulders to distract himself from the sensation of Bucky’s hand on the sensitive skin. He rolled his hips into Bucky’s hand and let out a soft moan. “Lie down.” Bucky said in his ear, gently pushing him backward. Steve let himself fall to the bed. Bucky leaned over him and took a nipple between his lips without hesitation, while still jerking him slowly. Steve exhaled. Bucky sucked on his nipple as soft and wet as Steve had dreamed. He touched his other nipple in time with Bucky’s mouth on his chest and hand on Steve’s cock to send symmetrical sensations that had Steve moaning enough to wake the whole tower. 

“Buck,” Steve panted, “You better suck me if you’re gonna, or I’ll come before you get the chance.” Bucky released him and shot him a devilish grin before moving down to his aching dick. Steve watched in awe as Bucky licked and engulfed the tip in his mouth. His brain short-circuited as Bucky worked his flush lips over him. Bucky pulled off and licked up from Steve’s scrotum. His lips left wet, open kisses around Steve’s length before wrapping around the head again. Steve forced himself not to move his hips, and the tension only brought him closer to orgasm. “I’m gonna come!” He whined. Bucky lifted off of and quickly switched to jerking him with his hand. Steve’s hips stuttered of their own accord as he shot over Bucky’s hand. 

“Oh, Steve…” Bucky was jerking himself as Steve came down, apparently unable to wait. “Jesus, Steve, you’re fucking gorgeous.” 

Steve breathed for a moment before sitting up. He uncapped the lube and joined Bucky with his own hand. “You,” Steve panted, “You’re the one who had your mouth-” He cut himself off to kiss Bucky, open and wet as he pulled him in his hand. 

“Harder, yes!” Bucky moaned when Steve released his lips. His hips were rocking into Steve’s hand. Steve watched his face. His eyes closed, and as Steve slid his hand to lightly grip the head of his cock, he let out a low, breathy groan. Steve’s slick hand jerked him hard and slow until Bucky was panting, head thrown back. He came without warning. His come splattered between them and Bucky slumped, leaning his head on Steve’s shoulder. Steve held him until he was ready to move. “That was… perfect.” Bucky kissed him. 

Steve nodded. He carded his clean hand through Bucky’s now sweaty curls. They sat back on their heels and just breathed for a moment. Steve felt like he was waking up again.

Bucky got up first and headed into the shower. “Your shower is as big as your bathroom y’know.” Bucky remarked. 

“Thank Stark. And don’t sound so critical, we could use the extra space later.” 

“Who knew Captain America was such a flirt?” Bucky teased. 

They each showered and were sitting down to bacon, eggs, and coffee when they finally turned on the news.

_“-were around seventy-five to a hundred people at the party, with a long list of close friends of the Avengers as well as celebrity guests who came to support Barton’s decision to come out. The previously unnamed partner is Phil Coulson, once an agent at SHIELD and always a close friend to all of the Avengers. However the gossip of the night, and now morning, is buzzing around these photos taken at the party of Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, better known as Captain America and the Winter Soldier, slow-dancing together. They have many wondering if Hawkeye is the only gay Avenger. What do you think Jenna?”_

_“I think they look like the sexiest ninety-year-old couple I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if they’re an item, but look at they way they’re looking at each other. It certainly seems like it.”_

_“I don’t know. They were best friends in the forties, and they’ve just been reunited, this looks to me like just brotherly love caught up in the fun of the party. I’ve seen plenty of straight guys dancing together after they’ve had a few drinks, y’know? But a lot of people online aren’t seeing it that way. These two are receiving some negative comments on twitter. @gillyb35 said ‘first hawkeye now cap and bucky, I for one don’t trust the #gayvengers to protect america.’ @jollyroger1 said ‘captain america wears the flag of god’s country What happened to #dontaskdonttell say no to #gayvengers.’ Some are using the ‘gayvengers’ hashtag to spread acceptance and support for both Hawkeye and Captain America, though. @tarotangel said ‘#gayvengers is what we’ve been waiting for! Anyone can be queer, superheroes too. I hope cap and bucky will come out too!’”_

_“I have to say, I can see their point. If Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are gay too, how many other Avengers are in the closet? It’s easy to see how this could get out of hand for them. with so many homophobic ‘fans’ denouncing them, regardless of their sexualities or relationship, this is not good for the Avengers.”_

_“You’re right Jenna. Though we’ve come a long way since 1945 in accepting gay people, Rogers and Barnes still grew up in that era. Even if they are a couple, they might not be comfortable coming out to the public, especially when they see the negative feedback.”_

Steve gaped at the tv. How could he have been so stupid to think it would be okay? He gripped his fork, denting the metal. He didn’t feel like eating anymore. Steve could feel Bucky looking at him, but he didn’t know what to say.

Bucky spoke up, softly, trying to be casual. “You still want to wait?”

“No.” Steve spat instantly. “Screw the Avengers’ reputation. Look at what they’re saying about us. They’re not reporters, they’re encouraging the bullies! We can’t sit back and take this. They’re trying to be nice because we’re ‘heroes.’ What about people who aren’t heroes? What do they see? What do people say to them? I was wrong, Buck. This is bigger than us. We have to come out. We have to show that we’re not afraid to stand up, not just for ourselves, but for everyone.”

“I’m with ya pal. How should we do it?” Bucky put a hand on his shoulder.

Steve met his eyes. “I don’t know. I think we have to talk to Tony.”

An hour later, they were standing in one of the R&D labs with an incredulous Tony Stark in front of them.

“You’re joking, right?” Stark deadpanned. Steve stared at him. “You’re not joking. You idiots had a chance to say this last night, but instead you decided, nah, let’s just dance while they take pictures for even more gossip fuel. You guys are terrible at secrets. It’s like you’ve never been famous before. Except you have. Okay. Sure, we’re already rocking the boat. What’s the worst that could happen?” Tony paused. “We got a call from PR. The Today Show wants to talk to us. All of us. Morning television, all at once. Talk to Nancy; you may as well come out then. It’s gonna be a big day for NBC.”


	4. We've Got Each Other's Backs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers have an interview.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read "In Our Own Time," the Phil/Clint work in this series, then most of this will be familiar to you, but there's still some new things in the interview and in the chapter as a whole that are new.

_The Avengers’ Today Show Interview Transcript_

_Matt Lauer sits down with all eight Avengers. They sit in two rows, in order from farthest to closest the first row is: Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow), Thor Odinson, Bruce Banner (Hulk), Tony Stark (Iron Man) and the second row: Sam Wilson (Falcon), Clint Barton (Hawkeye), James “Bucky” Barnes (Winter Soldier), Steve Rogers (Captain America). Matt Lauer sits across from them._

_Matt Lauer:_ So, there’s been quite a buzz about you in the past week. We’ll get to that, but I want to ask you about some other recent events first. Sergeant Barnes,

 _James “Bucky” Barnes:_ Oh, Bucky, please.

 _ML:_ Ok, Bucky, only two months ago, April tenth, you were under the control of the terrorist organization, Hydra. Is that right?

 _JB:_ Yes. They, uh, they had wiped my memory when they found me in 1946. I didn’t know anything other than what they told me, which wasn’t much. They pretty much kept me o-on ice… and only thawed me out when they wanted me to uh, to kill someone. I didn’t know better, I wasn’t allowed to resist, so I did.

 _ML:_ Wow… That must have been a terrible experience. And they told you to kill Captain America? How did you break free of that and get your memory back so you could be where you are today?

 _JB:_ Well, I didn’t know who Steve was. I couldn’t remember. I didn’t think about escaping them, I had tried years ago, and I wasn’t going to try again. But then Steve reminded me who I was. He- he brought me back to myself.

 _ML:_ That’s incredible, and we are very glad he could. So, you found each other, you’re living in Avengers’ Tower, Steve, tell us how it feels to have your friend back after thinking he was gone.

 _Steve Rogers:_ It’s really just amazing, not just that he’s alive, but with all he’s been through, he’s still the same guy I grew up with. I’m, really I’m beyond happy, and I’m so proud of him.

 _ML:_ Some people are saying that happiness seems to extend beyond friendship. On Saturday you shared a dance at the party for Clint Barton and Phil Coulson. 

_A photograph of Steve and Bucky dancing in a close embrace appears on a screen beside them._

_ML:_ People are saying this doesn’t look like it’s just friendly, and I have to say, I agree. What can you tell us about the rumors that you two are in a romantic relationship? Are they true? 

_SR:_ I think it’s ridiculous that with all the progress that’s been made on the front of LGBT rights, this is still an issue. People were sending Phil death threats on twitter for god’s sake!

 _ML:_ It is ridiculous that you are receiving such backlash, but is any of it based in truth?

 _SR:_ What we do at home doesn’t matter. I may be missing a few years of the fight here, but if people still have to hide who they are th-

 _ML (cutting Steve off):_ Are you and Bucky Barnes in a relationship?

 _SR:_ ...Yes.

_Bucky takes Steve’s hand between them._

_ML:_ Yes? You are?

 _JB:_ Yes. We are.

 _ML:_ Thank you. _(beat)_ How long? Were you together in 1945 too?

 _SR (looking down at Bucky’s hand):_ No, it’s recent. Since he came back.

 _JB:_ We were both in the closet. We each knew we liked men, but we didn’t know about each other. I actually remember this, _(looks at Steve)_ I’ve been in love with him since I was fifteen years old. 

_SR:_ You were fifteen? I didn’t know until I was sixteen and you were seventeen. _(looks back to Matt)_ We couldn’t talk about it then. Neither of us knew that the other felt the same.

 _ML:_ So how did it happen? How did you get together after so many lost years?

 _JB (laughing):_ I just remembered that I had been sweet on him back then, and then I realized that I still was, so I told him.

 _SR (nods):_ He asked me on a date. _(beat)_ And we thought that coming to terms with it now, in what seems to us like a progressive future, we thought we’d be free to be a couple without a fuss from the public media.

 _ML:_ Well I’m sure in the forties it was harder, and despite the public and political progress, it’s still a pretty big deal for Captain America, Bucky Barnes, and Hawkeye to come out. But you’re certainly getting a lot of support now, so maybe it won’t be an issue in the future.

 _Clint Barton:_ That’s what we’re all hoping for.

 _ML:_ Okay, and we’re gonna take a break here. When we come back we’ll have more from the Avengers.

_-_

_ML:_ Welcome back, I’m sitting down with all eight of the Avengers this morning. Now, I want to ask you, starting with Ms. Natasha Romanoff, how has the attack from Hydra and the fallout of Shield affected you?

 _Natasha Romanoff:_ . . . I was forced to reveal the secrets of my past in order to save millions of lives.

 _ML:_ Right. Let’s talk about that. You were raised in a facility known as the Red Room, is that right?

 _NR:_ With all due respect, Matt, that is a story that no one should have to hear this early in the morning. 

_ML (sounding cautious):_ Okay. That’s okay. Sam? What about you? How did the recent events around Shield affect you?

 _Sam Wilson:_ Well, I uh, I got to fight alongside Captain America, and I became and Avenger. _(looks at Clint)_

 _CB:_ I pretty much lost my job, and I found out that a lot of other agents, my friends even, were undercover terrorists or supporters of Hydra… But, my ex-boss asked me out, so I guess that’s a plus?” _(looks at Bucky)_

 _JB:_ I’m pretty sure you know our answers. 

_ML:_ Yeah, we’ve got an idea. _(beat)_ Sam Wilson, how does it feel, being the newest Avenger?

 _SW:_ Me? _(confused beat)_ No, Bucky’s the new guy… But uh, I think for both of us, it’s exciting. Terrifying, fun, and yeah, exciting. And you should see these guys at home. Right now it’s all formal, but it really is a blast.

 _Thor Odinson:_ We are all still new to the Avengers, I think, but we make a great team. 

_ML:_ That you do. Let’s go back to Clint. You just said your boss asked you out. So Phil worked above you at Shield?

 _CB:_ Yeah, he did. We both actually, we’ve talked about it, and both of us actually wanted to have a relationship sooner, but one of the reasons it took us so long to make a move is because we were afraid of screwing up that dynamic of me being a lower level agent and him having to give me orders and such. It’s still kind of tricky with the Avengers, but we love each other, we make it work. _(smiles and winks past the camera at Phil Coulson)_

 _ML:_ You guys are cute. How long have you been together?

 _CB:_ Oh, uh, it’s the eighteenth, so I guess that’s two months. But like I said, we’ve both wanted this without saying anything for years. We’ve been committed since day one.

 _ML:_ And would you say that your coming out has been and will be good for the Avengers?

 _CB:_ Oh yes, definitely. I mean, it’s just the same with us all living in the tower, it just adds another level of trust and intimacy to the team. Right? _(looks at Bucky and Steve beside him)_

 _JB:_ Well it will be good for us individually too. We’re all friends, and being able to be open and honest with friends is important.

 _SR:_ Yeah, for sure. I think it will be good for the public too. People should see that you can be gay or bi and still be whoever you want to be, even a superhero. 

_ML:_ Absolutely. You’re sending a message to people who are still in the closet that it’s safe to come out. And the rest of you, I want to get your take on this. You’re obviously supportive of each other, right?

 _Tony Stark:_ Of course! You know it’s really a non-issue for us. We’ve got bigger things to worry about than who’s sleeping with whom.

 _ML:_ So I want to ask Dr. Banner, more commonly known as the Hulk. but you sir, even as yourself, as a scientist and a doctor, you are a hero even without the Hulk,

 _Bruce Banner:_ Thank you!

 _ML:_ You were originally brought into the Avengers just as a consultant, is that right?

 _BB:_ Well yes, that’s what they told me, but I think it was always part of the plan to have the other guy, the Hulk, in the back pocket.

 _ML:_ But you’ve received a lot of criticism for the Hulk. He is as much an Avenger as you are, but with how dangerous he can be, a lot of people are afraid, and say that you should leave the Avengers, or only work as a consultant without bringing out the Hulk.

 _BB:_ Well in a perfect world I would never have to transform into the Hulk. And we do try to keep his appearances few and far between, but as you say, he is still, despite the ah, difficulties, a useful part of the team.

 _ML:_ Do you think that, with all the negativity that you’ve received because of the Hulk, you have an idea of what it’s like to feel homophobic backlash like what your teammates have been getting?

 _BB:_ . . . Do I think that turning into the Hulk is like being gay? _(laughs humorlessly)_ I don’t know. I really don’t think the experiences are comparable. Do you guys ever feel like being gay is like being the Hulk?

_Everyone except Matt laughs._

_CB:_ I don’t know how to answer that without inuendo, to be honest.

 _NR:_ It’s not about relating to each other’s experiences really; we can already relate in other ways. It’s about knowing that your friends are in a relationship that makes them happy. That’s what matters. Our friends are happy.

 _TO:_ Yes, on Asgard it is the same. It is normal to have same-gender relationships. Sexuality and gender are not limited by our bodies like they are on Midgard er, Earth. We are with those who make us happy.

 _SW (to Thor):_ Man you gotta take me with you when you go home. Literally everything you say about it is awesome.

 _ML:_ Yeah, and take pictures for the rest of us. _(beat)_ Alright, one more question: Tony, you recently finished the reconstruction of what was formerly Stark Tower. It is gorgeous, by the way. You renamed it Avengers’ Tower, so I have to ask, what’s it like having this gang of superheroes living together under your roof?

 _TS:_ Well Matt, it’s not just my roof anymore. Our tower has an A on it now. We fight as a team, we live as a team. And if anyone still has a problem with any of the avengers, you’ve got a problem with all of them ‘cause we’ve got each other’s backs.

 _SR:_ Tony’s right. I’d like to remind people that, while most of us are human and we all have semi-normal lives, we’re here to serve the people. We fight to make sure that those who would do the public harm will not succeed. It shouldn’t matter who we are or what we do at home because in the end, we’re here for you. We love the American people, and the people of the world, and the nine realms, and the universe! We strive to keep you safe. If you’d rather that, because some of us are gay, we stopped doing that, well too bad. We keep fighting for you.

 _ML:_ Excellent. A great message. And that’s all the time we have, so thank you so much for being on the show and for all that you do to keep us safe. . . . And when we come back, we’ll be showing you some new tips to keep your money safe. Right after these messages.

_-End of Interview-_

\--

The common floor was full of appetizing scents and friendly voices, and Steve felt the familiar camaraderie of a mess hall dinner with the Commandos. Instead it was the Avengers and company, Phil, Jane, and Darcy, crowded around the enormous dining table for a group lunch after the interview. Natasha sat down across from Steve and smiled at him.

“What?” Steve asked when she didn’t look away. 

“I’m proud of you.” She said, looking down and digging into her food. 

Steve wasn’t sure how to handle this. He supposed that he was proud of himself too, but then, he had been hoping it wouldn’t have been such a big deal in the first place. “Thanks. And thanks for sticking up for us.”

“Yeah, he really threw it at you. If you hadn’t told us you were going to do it before, I probably would’ve chewed him out.”

“He was tough on all of us. I’d say it was planned, but he really didn’t know about Bucky and me before. It’s not fair that after all these years, people are still being cut down for who they are and who they love. I mean, what was the war even for if it didn’t end all this?”

Nat nodded into her sandwich. Bucky and Sam joined them, Bucky on Steve’s right, Sam on Natasha’s left. Bucky had evidently heard what Steve said because he joined in, “Steve, you gotta remember, there are always going to be bullies. I’ve been telling you since we were six years old, standing up to one of them doesn’t get rid of all of them.”

Steve paused. “You never told me that…”

“No? Well I should have. It seems like something I would have said. Memories are weird. Anyway, not to make you feel bad about it, but the world had to live without Captain America for 70 years. Maybe now you’re back in action the progress’ll pick up again.”

“That’s what this is about, isn’t it Steve?” Sam said. “After Hydra, you have to work towards something. May as well tackle something close to home.”

“Not too close, I hope.” Nat interjected. “If you think today was bad, be careful. The media can tear you apart, Steve.”

“I can handle it. This isn’t just for us. It’s for everyone who deals with this shit.”

Bucky nodded. “Homophobia. Like they’re scared of us.”

“If they’re not now, they will be. No one should be afraid to be themselves.”

“That’s big talk coming from somebody who just came out this morning. What are we gonna do about it? You may be Captain America, but you’re not exactly a political figure.” Said Clint from farther down the table. “I mean it’s good to come out and all, but are we really going to throw ourselves into activism on top of being superheroes?”

“I don’t see why we shouldn’t. It’s what we stand for. We ought to back that up with getting things done. We don’t have to be political figures if we can inspire the ones who are.” Steve said. He was already forming a plan, and much as he hated to say it, the more media coverage they got, the better.


	5. Can't Fight Every Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Today Show, Tony makes an announcement on Jimmy Fallon that causes an argument back at the Tower; then Steve has a nightmare that isn't really a nightmare.

Bucky plopped down on the sofa next to Steve just as the show was starting. In the next room, Steve could hear Bruce saying goodbye to Tony on the phone. Steve put an arm around Bucky’s shoulders and snuggled him closer, happy he could do this without worrying what people would say.

“He said he’s just leaving, so obviously he’s not going to watch with us.” Bruce yawned and took his spot on the other couch next to Jane and Thor. Darcy sat in front of them on the floor; Natasha had one chair with Sam on the floor in front of her, while Clint and Phil were cuddled into the other chair together. On the TV, Jimmy Fallon announced that Tony Stark would be joining him later, even though Steve knew they had taped earlier in the evening. After the show taped, Tony had been “dragged” to a party of sorts and was only just leaving as they were watching him on the Tonight Show. 

Steve was barely paying attention to Fallon’s monologue. He didn’t watch much TV, and he didn’t understand the point of the show. It seemed like comedy, but the jokes were about celebrities and news that Steve didn’t know about. He busied himself by tracing words with his fingers on Bucky’s back. He didn’t know if Bucky knew what he was doing until he wrote “dork” and Bucky poked him in the ribs. He wrote “love you” next, and Bucky chuckled quietly.

Steve noticed Bruce nodding off during the commercial, and by the time Tony walked onto their screen, Bruce was snoring lightly. 

“So you and the Avengers have been in all the gossip lately!” Jimmy said after greeting Tony.. 

“I know!” Tony gave a sarcastic jaw drop at the audience. “It’s like nobody has anything more interesting to talk about.”

“Well I think it’s pretty interesting. I saw the Today Show this morning, that looked intense! And then Cap and Bucky came out! Did you all see that? Captain America and Bucky Barnes announced they’re dating, and I’ve gotta say, it was a real treat to see you all together like that. You’re all really friends?”

“Of course,” Tony shrugged. “You know it’s kind of hard to save the world with a bunch of people and not be friends afterward.” A few people laughed, and Steve wondered what people thought the Avengers were like if they didn’t even know they were friends.

“That’s a good point. So before we move on, ‘cause I do want to ask you about some Stark Industries and Iron Man things, but this morning after the Today Show, you called us and gave us a warning. You said you’ve got something big to tell us, but we’re not allowed to make a big deal out of it. Before you tell us, what do you mean by a big deal? Because you know, it’s not like we’re notorious for blowing things out of proportion or anything.” Jimmy joked. “Is it a surprise? Is it gonna scare me? What is it? What shouldn’t I do?”

“Ha, yeah, pretty much what you’re doing right now,” Tony said flatly, followed by his trademark grin. “So last week my good friends Clint and Phil announced that they’re together; this morning Steve and Bucky came out; so in the spirit of getting things out in the open, –and I want to note that my secret keeping skills are way better than theirs– heh, Dr Bruce Banner and myself have been an item for over a year now, and no one ever noticed.”

Fallon stared agape, and some of the audience gasped audibly. Everyone in the living room seemed to be in silent shock. “No way. You’re joking!” 

“No jokes. We got together in February last year. We didn’t really intend to keep the secret for so long, but nobody noticed, even the other Avengers didn’t realize we’ve been sharing a bedroom since before they moved in. Great observational skills guys.” Tony winked into the camera. “So we just didn’t bother saying anything, figuring it would come up eventually, but one thing led to another, and we thought it was time.”

“Huh.” Steve said and looked around the room for his friends’ reactions. Everyone stared at Bruce, who was still snoring with his head propped in his hand, braced on the arm of the couch. From the floor, Darcy shook his knee. “Bruce!”

He woke with a snort. “Mm, did he say it yet?” He mumbled.

“Yes!” Half of them exclaimed.

Bruce looked tired and bored. “Great, we’re all officially gay now. I’m going to bed.” He rose from the couch and trudged to the elevator as Tony explained on the screen his semi-fake reputation as a ladies’ man.

Steve couldn’t focus on the rest of the interview. Natasha and Clint were trying to figure out how they hadn’t noticed. “They’ve always flirted, I thought it was just their weird sciencey friendship.” Clint said defensively.

As they bickered, Bucky shifted to smirk at Steve. “Five out of the eight of us are queer. That’s gotta be some kind of record.”

“It’s good that we’re all in the same boat, but I think if we launch into activism now, people will say it’s fake.” Steve realized aloud.

“Why? Why would anyone fake a relationship? Why would we pretend to be gay?” Bucky asked skeptically.

“I don’t know, but that’s what they say about famous people. One of the dancers from the war bond tour told me about it. Celebrities and show business people fake things for attention sometimes.”

“It’s true.” Jane spoke up. “You’ll have to lay low for a while, or they’ll say you made it up to get press. You could fight it, but the celebrity gossip train will always pick up on something to make you look bad.” She scrunched up her face in disgust at the thought.

Darcy nodded in agreement, “They’re like vultures, just waiting for you to say the wrong thing so they can rip you to pieces. Have you seen the articles about you guys online? They’re already saying Captain America is tainted and stuff. I say you jump on it, call them out, fight back. You’re already a role model; you can prove that being gay is normal. Stand up for your rights like you said this morning.”

Clint shook his head and furrowed his brow, “Hang on, I thought the point was to get us out of this mess. You’ll be dragging the rest of us right back into it. Count me out, man. I just want to relax until the next alien invasion or whatever.”

“Speaking of, I’m gonna turn in.” Phil kissed Clint and got up.

“You’re not mad that people are trying to shame us into silence?” Steve countered as Clint rose to follow Phil.

Clint sighed. “Of course I’m mad, Steve. I just can’t fight every battle I see. Good night.”

Clint and Darcy’s words bounced back and forth in Steve’s head as he and Bucky were crawling into bed later.

“I know you’re not going to back out of this,” Bucky whispered, having read Steve’s pensive expression, “but I think Clint is right. We have to live our own lives too. I’ll stand behind you, but I think we should step back and let things cool down first. If the media thinks we’re fighting, they’ll tear us down before we get a punch in.”

Steve lay his cheek on the cool metal of Bucky’s left shoulder. He considered what his friends had said. He wanted to get a message out like Darcy suggested, but if he was honest with himself, he really didn’t know much about modern activism. If he started something, all of the Avengers would be affected. They would need to stand together and fall in to support the LGBT movement so they wouldn’t stir something up. “Okay. We wait for the bigots to make the first move.” He pressed his lips to Bucky’s scar tissue and closed his eyes. “It’s been a crazy week.” He yawned.

“It’s only Wednesday.” Bucky whispered, and Steve felt Bucky’s lips on his forehead as he drifted off.

Steve dreamed in bursts of color and flickers of light like flames surrounded by black.

Bucky’s voice echoed through his mind, “I’m with you,” and Steve felt like screaming. The colors and lights dimmed until he found himself in his old house in Brooklyn. Still, lights filtered through the front window, camera flashes and the sounds of reporters and paparazzi outside filled the empty spaces in his head. He became aware of the Winter Soldier standing next to him as the man’s metal arm pulled him gently into a kiss. With his eyes closed, the warmth of the embrace dulled the flashing until it ceased. Steve leaned into his friend and licked at his lips. The soft caress of Bucky’s hands turned suddenly into an angry grip on Steve’s throat. “‘Til the end,” the Soldier snarled.

“No!” Steve choked, clutching at the flash and metal fingers at his neck. He wrenched the hands free and gasped, blinking rapidly as the lights returned. “That’s not you, Buck.” He rasped, but Bucky wasn’t there. 

Steve was in the alley near his old apartment where he had found Bucky cold and starving months ago. He looked down and saw Bucky’s journal on the ground. He didn’t want to invade his friend’s privacy, but he needed to know what was going on. He opened the notebook. Instead of Bucky’s writing, he saw his own sketchbook drawings. He flipped to the most recent page and saw a newspaper clipping of the headline “Captain Homo and the Gayvengers” over a drawing that he didn’t recognize. It was himself and Bucky entangled in ecstasy. As he noted the detail of the drawing, he slowly found himself inside it. He felt the heat of his friend panting beneath him, the heavy arousal and chemistry between them, the swell of Bucky’s cock surging inside him, and his own shaft throbbing in Bucky’s hand as they rocked together. The pounding, flashing, and flames of color played in time with their lovemaking to form a cacophonous rhythm. As Steve’s orgasm washed over him he heard Bucky’s voice in his ear. “Of the line.” He said. Bucky pulled out of him and Steve was left empty and alone despite Bucky’s words.

Steve jolted awake and sat upright. Bucky was sitting up already, staring at him. “Are you okay?” Bucky whispered, his voice and expression filled with concern. 

Steve turned and flicked on the bedside lamp. “Bad… or weird dream.” He wasn’t sure which. He remembered Bucky, and a lot of lights, sex, and a sense of fear and doubt.”

“Can’t have been all bad. You were talking, making noises…”

Steve sighed, and recognized the unpleasant stickiness of drying semen in his underwear. His mouth fell open in confusion as he tried to remember the whole dream. “Shit.” He laughed at himself. “That wasn’t the whole thing though. Feels more like a nightmare, but not the usual.”

“Was the sex that bad?” Bucky smirked, trying to make light of the situation.

Steve stood up and removed his underwear before crawling back into bed. “The sex was the good part. The rest of it, I don’t even remember. I think you tried to kill me. Not actually you, but before. The soldier.” He looked at Bucky carefully, fearing his potential frustration or worse, apologies. Instead he was met with understanding.

“I have nightmares about that too.” Bucky muttered, barely audible and without meeting Steve’s eye. Steve pulled him into a hug. His lips grazed Bucky’s shoulder, and he pressed chaste kisses along his neck and up his jaw. He stopped when he reached his friend’s lips.

“It wasn’t you. This is you.” Steve whispered.

Bucky crushed his lips against Steve’s, apparently needing the affection more than Steve realized. He licked into Steve’s mouth, and Steve let him lower them both to the bed. Before long, Steve felt Bucky’s growing erection against his thigh and shifted to slide a hand beneath the waistband of his pajama pants. Bucky moaned into Steve’s neck as Steve wrapped a hand around his friend’s cock. Steve had already come once in his sleep, but he felt himself growing hard again at the sounds Bucky made. He remembered the feeling of the Winter Soldier’s hands around his neck and replaced it with Bucky’s soft lips and tongue at his throat now. He remembered the newspaper clipping and the flashing cameras and replaced them with his lips trailing down Bucky’s midriff and licking the head of his leaking dick. He remembered the empty loneliness before waking and replaced it with Bucky’s carnal moans and “I love you”s as he came in Steve’s mouth. 

“I love you too.” Steve whispered, kissing his forehead while Bucky came down. Steve looked at the clock which blinked 4:13 AM at him. He turned off the lamp and considered getting up and going for an extra early run, but before the thought completed itself he was falling back into a thankfully dreamless sleep.


	6. The Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve writes an email, and Bucky remembers something.

Steve thought he was doing pretty well with computers considering his history. Over the past few years he’d created an email account, had access to the official Avengers’ twitter page —on which he’d posted exactly once, and he hardly ever had any problems using Tony’s tablets and holographic projectors anymore. 

He knew how to send an email, but that didn’t mean he could write one. He’d texted Natasha about email etiquette, but her best advice was to “stay casual but keep your meaning clear, and don’t say anything about yourself or the Avengers that doesn’t need to be said.” 

_Hello Marie,  
I would like to volunteer for the Queer Youth Shelter of New York. I know I have a high profile as an Avenger, so I am emailing you before I visit the shelter. I’d like to keep the press away from my involvement with your organization_

Bucky was tapping his foot on the barstool in the kitchen. Steve looked over to him and saw that he was writing in his journal. Steve looked back to his laptop screen and tried to focus.

Bucky started whispering to himself, not loud enough for Steve to hear the words from his position on the couch. Steve sighed and kept writing.

_I’d like to keep the press away from my involvement with your organization unless or until you want the media attention. I’m willing to help in any way I can, and my schedule is flexible._

“What the fuck am I supposed to tell him?” Bucky whispered, still to himself. Steve paused to actually listen, but Bucky just kept tapping his foot anxiously. Just when Steve was about to type his next sentence, Bucky heaved a sigh and called out, “Hey Steve?”

“What?” Steve replied, as though he hadn’t been paying attention to Bucky. Bucky didn’t respond, so Steve put his laptop aside and walked to the kitchen. “What’s up?”

Bucky was quiet for a moment before asking, “What if I did something _really_ bad?”

Steve blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Like a long time ago, with Hydra.” Bucky looked up with a grave expression.

“Did you remember something?” Steve sat on the other stool.

Bucky nodded slowly. “ _Really_ bad.” He repeated.

“Someone you were told to kill?”

“Two people. I didn’t even know who they were. You know I didn’t have access to the news or anything, I had no idea. . . .” Bucky stared at the kitchen counter.

“Who were they Buck? Just say it.”

“You’ll be mad.”

Steve didn’t know what to say to that. “Bucky . . .”

A few seconds passed before Bucky could voice it. “Howard and Maria Stark.” 

Steve stared at his friend in shock. He didn’t want to believe it, but he knew Bucky had no reason to lie. He thought back to everything he’d read about their deaths. “They said it was a car crash.” 

“I remember it, Steve. They gave me a motorcycle and directed me to where they were going.” Bucky said mechanically, like he couldn’t actually process it with emotion. “I caught them on the road, took out a tire, and the car hit a tree. I doubled back and finished the job so it looked like the crash killed them.” 

They sat in silence for a minute. “You know that wasn’t you, Buck. You were forced.” Steve whispered, as if that made it any better.

Bucky turned to fix Steve with a blank stare. “I didn’t know who they were. But that doesn’t change anything. I killed his parents, Steve.” 

Steve put a hand on his shoulder and then pulled him into a tight embrace. Bucky didn’t hug him back, but he didn’t pull away either. When Steve let him go, Bucky retreated to his room. There was nothing Steve could say.


	7. I Have To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short, but it had to be separate from the next one.

Steve rolled over and opened his eyes. Bucky was still pacing. The soft, repeating thuds of his footfalls were keeping Steve awake. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand: 3:45AM. He sighed and swung himself out of bed. Bucky stopped just as Steve opened the bedroom door.

“You can’t keep doing this Bucky; you’re just running in circles in your head.” Steve leaned against the doorframe, talking to Bucky’s back.

Bucky turned around, but didn’t look up at Steve. “I have to tell him. After everything he’s done, I can’t just lie to his face, Steve.”

“Telling him will only make it worse. I know you don’t want to keep secrets anymore, but this is for his own good and for your safety. Who knows how he’ll react?”

Bucky resumed pacing from his bedroom door to the kitchen table and back. “I don’t care how he reacts! I don’t care if he punches me or kicks me out or tells the whole world that I did it. It wouldn’t be more than I deserve. I mean, think about it, Steve. It’s not just his parents. Think about all the people I’ve killed; all of them had families and friends too. All of them are still hurting because of what they made me do. And don’t say I didn’t have a choice because I always did. I chose to live and to kill others instead of–” He stopped himself and stood, shaking, in the middle of the room.

“Bucky, that wasn’t an option. They wouldn’t have let you kill yourself. They probably,” Steve sighed, “probably programmed you not to. You did what you did because they were controlling you, making your choices for you. And if you want to make amends for the things they made you do, I can’t think of any better way than by being a good person, being an Avenger now.”

“No. The only way to really make amends would be to talk to them, apologize, and” He took a breath, calming himself and thinking, “ask them how I can help make it better. I can’t bring their people back, but I have to tell them, make it personal, because what I did was personal to them. I have to tell Tony, and however he reacts, I’ll take it.”

Steve couldn’t argue with that. Bucky’s guilt ran a lot deeper than he thought. He stepped forward and pulled Bucky into his arms. “Okay, but I’m going with you. We’ll do it tomorrow. You need to sleep today.”

Bucky nodded and gently pulled away. Steve watched as he turned and went into his room and closed the door behind him. With a sigh, Steve walked back to bed in his own room, trying not to feel hurt that Bucky wanted to sleep alone.


End file.
